


8lu88ermouth

by rezi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Imprisonment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-17
Updated: 2013-11-17
Packaged: 2018-01-01 20:29:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1048254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aranea's lucky the Condesce chose to interrogate her herself. She's just a grown-up Meenah, after all. She's used to dealing with Meenah; this will be easy!</p><p>Of course, it isn't.</p><p>(Continuation of the end of A6A6I2.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	8lu88ermouth

CONDESCE: so  
CONDESCE: who da glubbin fuck is you  
ARANEA: Oh, no one important.  
ARANEA: And of course I don't have to ask who you are... Meenah Peixes.  
CONDESCE: holy ship  
CONDESCE: aint nomoby called me by that name in thousands a sweeps  
CONDESCE: and i dont think i ebber told nomoby...  
CONDESCE: so how did some smug kid like you get to knowin that????  
ARANEA: You're trying to read my mind, aren't you?  
CONDESCE: no  
ARANEA: Really?  
CONDESCE: reel--  
CONDESCE: OUC)(  
CONDESCE: dont you fuckin psychic resistance me  
CONDESCE: gives me migranes 38(  
ARANEA: My mind is off-limits.  
CONDESCE: ughh fin  
CONDESCE: fine  
CONDESCE: lets try the 2x3dent to neck method instead  
CONDESCE: (always liked that one betta anywave 38D)  
CONDESCE: tell me how tha FUCK you know what my lusus called me  
ARANEA: Never mind how I know. Consider what it means that I know.  
ARANEA: It shows just how well I know you, though you think you have never met me. 8ut I know you inside-out, Peixes. Every weakness, every chink in your wetsuit armor. Do not think this jail cell will hold me for long.  
CONDESCE: holy ship you a blubbermouth  
ARANEA: Oh, don't worry, there'll 8e more of that.  
ARANEA: You sea, I'm only just opening the floodgates now. That was nothing 8ut the first trickle; I'm nowhere near full flow.  
ARANEA: And you can 8e shore that, even in these chains and sand cuffs, I will 8e well and truly a8le to salmon up enough strength for it.  
CONDESCE: oh yea  
CONDESCE: dont think ima let you outta here just for a few fish puns  
CONDESCE: because  
CONDESCE: B-ECAUS-E  
CONDESCE: im meenah than you 38D  
ARANEA: Oh, wonderful. The only puns you like more than fish puns are the ones that feed your 8allooning ego.  
CONDESCE: ballooning  
CONDESCE: YOU SAYIN IM FAT  
ARANEA: And the constant lashing 8ack against anyone who dares to criticize you. You are so Meenah, it almost hurts.  
CONDESCE: if you dont stop sayin things that dont make sense  
CONDESCE: then YOULL be hurtin soon  
CONDESCE: aight  
CONDESCE: we been swimmin off course so lets get back to business here  
CONDESCE: you been fuckin with my heiress  
CONDESCE: tha glub you think youre doin  
ARANEA: Simply executing a plan.  
CONDESCE: no way in S)(---ELL am i lettin you execute my heiress  
ARANEA: ........  
ARANEA: 8ad choice of words.  
ARANEA: Really, I have no intentions of killing Jane. She was simply an immediate pro8lem that needed to 8e overcome!  
CONDESCE: oh you callin her a PROBL-EM now  
CONDESCE: well she S)(OR-E AINT gettin overcome any time soon  
CONDESCE: lisfin up pondscum  
CONDESCE: i saw you bout to get all stabby on ma lil gill  
CONDESCE: if you think im gonna let you get away wit that  
CONDESCE: then get your think pan rewired  
ARANEA: Look, I know the circumstances you found me in were rather damning.  
ARANEA: 8ut I must assure you my intent does line up with yours; in fact, we may very well 8e a8le to consolidate our plans.  
ARANEA: You see, I 8egan my course of action seeing you as an enemy.  
ARANEA: Yet I know from experience that I am capa8le of having you as a friend.  
ARANEA: Shall we 8ury the hatchet?  
CONDESCE: yeah um  
CONDESCE: why  
CONDESCE: cos you still my prisoner and i aint seein no reason to just get all frondly on you instead  
CONDESCE: you gettin ahead of yourself gill  
CONDESCE: what you even plannin  
ARANEA: Am I right in assuming you resent your master's control and secretly plot to negate his control over you, henceforth escaping his grasp forever?  
CONDESCE: ...  
CONDESCE: well yea but in less words than that  
CONDESCE: dont spread this around k  
ARANEA: Don't worry. Your sekret is safe with me!  
CONDESCE: whats your plan then  
CONDESCE: and if it involves MY )(-EIR-ESS getting hurt then YOU AR-E FIS)(FOOD  
ARANEA: Received and understood.  
ARANEA: My plan, you ask?  
CONDESCE: yea and DONT GLUB ON ABOUT IT  
CONDESCE: being as krilliant and mantastic as i am takes time  
CONDESCE: which i aint havin you waste  
CONDESCE: so G-ET ON WIT)( IT  
ARANEA: Alright. Well, it's a plan with oceans of facets and nuance, 8ut I'll simplify it so as not to waste any of your precious imperial time.  
ARANEA: I am going to ensure Lord English's universe never existed, then doctor this timeline so it 8ecomes the alpha.  
ARANEA: And there you have it! Thoughts?  
CONDESCE: holy fuck  
ARANEA: Impressed?  
CONDESCE: well  
CONDESCE: i aint no time witch  
CONDESCE: unlike that cray demoness bitch i replaced  
CONDESCE: wouldnt want to be anything pike her anywave  
CONDESCE: because seariously  
CONDESCE: fuck that girl  
ARANEA: Ah yes. Damara.  
ARANEA: Some things never change.  
CONDESCE: 38?  
CONDESCE: ehh waterver  
CONDESCE: gettin used to you sayin weird things  
CONDESCE: but this... this is the weirdest  
CONDESCE: i know this aint gonna work  
CONDESCE: aint you just gonna fuck up time  
CONDESCE: cos like if lord scumbag nebber existed then he nebber got me outta the end a the tunaverse  
CONDESCE: so id be stuck there with a loada dead trolls  
ARANEA: Well, actually, Lord English was indirectly responsi8le for Alternia 8ecoming what it was.  
ARANEA: So your entire planet would 8e different!  
CONDESCE: not doin no good winnin me round here  
CONDESCE: i LIK-ED alternia like that 38(  
ARANEA: Presuma8ly, though, you would still 8e empress.  
CONDESCE: but id be a softie raised on planet lame-o tho 38(  
ARANEA: Raised on "Planet Lame-o", yes, 8ut never a softie.  
ARANEA: I happen to know from experience that, no matter how soft your up8ringing, you always turn out just as tyrannical.  
ARANEA: One might even say that it's in your 8lood.  
CONDESCE: 38D  
CONDESCE: aint no tamin T)(IS gill  
ARANEA: And there's still the Ultimate Reward, isn't there?  
ARANEA: With which I would surely 8e a8le to perform a minor task like going 8ack to where you are and simply picking you up!  
CONDESCE: but  
CONDESCE: but its not M-E me is it  
CONDESCE: its like some alternate fuckin version isnt it  
CONDESCE: i dont give a crab about those  
CONDESCE: W)(AT )(APP-ENS TO M-----E???  
ARANEA: ........  
CONDESCE: and how dyou know its gonna work anywaves  
CONDESCE: whats stopping your plan just floppin around like a fish outta water  
ARANEA: 8ecause I have powers honed over millions of sweeps, and I know I am capa8le of this sort of thing.  
ARANEA: And you know how I know?  
CONDESCE: no i glubbin shell dont  
CONDESCE: so you gonna tell me or leave me in shitty suspense for longer  
ARANEA: 8ecause I'm Mindfang!  
CONDESCE:  
ARANEA:  
CONDESCE:  
ARANEA:  
CONDESCE: am i manta know what the glub you on about  
ARANEA: You know, Marquise Spinneret Mindfang? Most dreaded gam8lignant on the high seas!  
ARANEA: She had aaaaaaaall the luck and allllllll the confidence that things would work out for her. And they did!  
ARANEA: So I can't fail, can I?  
ARANEA: I was her in a past life, you see. Or future life. Alternate life, anyway.  
ARANEA: Just like you were my frond in another alternate life!  
ARANEA: You were around at the same time Mindfang was, weren't you? What did you think of her and her daring, courageous exploits?  
CONDESCE: oh you mean that pirate bitch who tagged along with the reshellion  
CONDESCE: aight gotcha  
CONDESCE: cant say i ebber reelly glubbed a fuck  
ARANEA: I'm sorry?  
CONDESCE: iunno she werent too impressive  
CONDESCE: bit of a failure reely  
CONDESCE: now her matesprit was school  
CONDESCE: (school like school of fish)  
CONDESCE: (werent too cool for school tho haha)  
CONDESCE: wasnt he called the salmoner or some shit  
CONDESCE: yea he was a mutant but DAM those wings  
CONDESCE: mighta kitted my hot bod out wit some a those  
CONDESCE: but i can already fly sooooo yea  
CONDESCE: hmm  
CONDESCE: can you pierce wings  
CONDESCE: i cod get wing rings  
CONDESCE: would they look badbass  
CONDESCE: yes or yes  
CONDESCE: cmon gimme an answer  
CONDESCE: aint pike you to shrimply clam up  
CONDESCE: FIS)(PUN X3 COMBO Y---------ESSS  
ARANEA: So Meenah it hurts.  
ARANEA: 8ut I'd have thought Meenah would 8e the type to admire someone like Mindfang. Instead of "not glu88ing a fuck".  
ARANEA: Some of the things she did! Even I, re-enacting some of her deeds myself, still 8oggle at her audacity.  
ARANEA: Would you like me to recount some of her most thrilling tales for you?  
CONDESCE: SIG)(  
CONDESCE: i know what she did  
CONDESCE: all pretty pedestrian by alternias standards  
ARANEA: What?  
CONDESCE: lisfin  
CONDESCE: she did jack ship in the reshellion  
CONDESCE: salmoner and his lost boys were out fuckin shit up while she posed in fancy dresses for posters  
CONDESCE: and even when she used to be a pirate she werent as much hot shit as she thought she was  
CONDESCE: didnt she deal with a rival once by reportin him to the subjugglators??????  
CONDESCE: and then she got netted herself  
CONDESCE: -E-EL M A O  
CONDESCE: she caused a bit a chaos but it aint like alternia is short on that  
CONDESCE: or  
CONDESCE: was 38(  
CONDESCE: yea just your run a the watermill nasty reely  
CONDESCE: no big deal  
CONDESCE: you want some REEL legendary pirates i can tell you bout the contessa  
CONDESCE: shit yes she owned  
CONDESCE: was just a couple dozen sweeps old when she was layin waste to alternia  
CONDESCE: shame i had to krill her  
CONDESCE: couldnt let her keep runnin about destroyin my empire like that could i  
CONDESCE: i mean i kept her alive a bit for my own porpoises  
CONDESCE: if you sea what i mean 3;)  
CONDESCE: cos who could be a better fishmesis than )(-ER  
CONDESCE: but she codnt do much in prison so--  
CONDESCE: youre tunaing me trout  
CONDESCE: dont you tuna me trout  
CONDESCE: ----EY  
ARANEA: What do you mean, Mindfang wasn't that 8ig of a deal?  
ARANEA: I read her journal!!!!!!!!  
CONDESCE: yea anyone can write anyfin in a book  
CONDESCE: aint hard  
CONDESCE: now if someone wrote down the contessas story... 38D  
CONDESCE: i would read the S)(IP outta that  
ARANEA: I don't care a8out the Contessa!  
ARANEA: Mindfang was the person I was always destined to 8e, and I _am_ going to live up to her legacy.  
CONDESCE: you already are  
CONDESCE: by havin a big mouth and nebber doin anyfin interestin 38D  
ARANEA: Ugh.  
CONDESCE: you wanna know somefin else about mindfang  
ARANEA: Not if it's you saying it.  
CONDESCE: well TOUG)( cos im tellin you anywave  
CONDESCE: you know the salmoner krilled her right  
ARANEA: Yes........  
CONDESCE: because she wanted to krill him and take over alternia hershellf  
ARANEA: What?  
CONDESCE: I KNOW RIG)(T  
CONDESCE: she aint done nofin all revolution long and now she wants the whole cake for hershellf instead a just getting a slice  
CONDESCE: so she plots to bump him off  
CONDESCE: but doesnt do it all in secret because shes too stupid  
CONDESCE: gotta show off  
CONDESCE: she tells everyone the thrones only big enough to have one butt sittin on it  
CONDESCE: (probubbly true with a fat ass like that 38D)  
CONDESCE: then she challenges him to a duel  
CONDESCE: and gets owned in broad nightlight 38D 38D 38D  
ARANEA: What????????  
CONDESCE: )(A)(A  
CONDESCE: oh man if her journal was tellin the truth itd be a comedy  
CONDESCE: cos you know what happens next?  
ARANEA: I don't want to!  
CONDESCE: cos shes got everyone fishstracted watchin the duel  
CONDESCE: my drones just marched on in and culled em all 38D  
ARANEA: No!!!!!!!!  
CONDESCE: Y-------------ES 38DDD  
CONDESCE: she was the one responsible for the rebellion floppin like a fish 38D  
ARANEA: YOU C8N'T SAY TH8NGS LIKE TH8T!!!!!!!!  
ARANEA: IT 8N'T TRUE!  
CONDESCE: truest story that ever got told 38D  
CONDESCE: i know cos i was there  
CONDESCE: watched the whole debarnacle play out 38D  
CONDESCE: (debacle)  
CONDESCE: (hm might need some work)  
ARANEA: NO!!!!!!!!  
CONDESCE: enjoy livin up to your legacy fishface 38P  
ARANEA: YOU'RE LY8NG!!!!!!!!  
ARANEA: COME 8ACK HERE!!!!!!!!  


**Author's Note:**

> Oh wow I have not been on in a while. Anyway, just a quickie to start off with (and to help fill the Gigapause gap...) and I'll hopefully be back up and running in no time!
> 
> I did actually come back from Japan over a week ago. The thing is, though I have been writing (and illustrating) away ever since, I just haven't been finishing anything!
> 
>  **UPDATE (31/10/2014):** Eagle-eyed rezi-readers may have noticed that this was temporarily part of a series called "Aftermath". This would have consisted of three fics: this one, one featuring the Lalondes in prison and one featuring Terezi and Brain Ghost Dirk in prison. Never got round to finishing either -- hit some pretty bad writer's block with them both -- and with the fact that the Gigapause is now over at last, it's safe to say that this series is now cancelled. If anyone's reading this and is interested, I might show you what I had of them both.


End file.
